Hillary's Blog

Busy-ness.....

2008-08-26T10:10:00.004-05:00

Wow, Just kind of realized what is coming up over the next week or so. Gonna be some good times, gonna be some hard times....

Wednesday...Michigan Adventure. :) It will be my first event with the youth group as a small group leader. Should be a good time.

Thursday....My grandpa's birthday. We are celebrating Thursday night at some point. Should be interesting since I'll be around my whole family and things are still very strained with my aunts.

Friday....The calm before the storm...I hope anyway. Nothing too exciting planned, it will be a good day to rest before the crazy weekend.

Saturday...One of the hardest days to deal with. The auction at my great-grandma's house. I'm going only for the fact that this could possibly be the last time I set foot in her house. I miss her like crazy...and can't believe that everything with her estate is almost over. The auction is one of the final steps.

Sunday...Pastor Glenn's last Sunday. This will be so difficult. He's been at our church for 19 years. I am always amazed by his attitude. He has been there for me through so much and after next week, he'll be onto his next calling. I will miss his smiling face and his hugs....I always make sure to get one. And, for his care and concern. He is by far my favorite pastor ever....

Tuesday....My grandma's first chemo treatment. My grandma lives in PA so I won't be around to watch her go through this, but just knowing that it's all starting again is difficult. I'm in constant prayer for her that everything goes smoothly.

Thursday....My dad's birthday. He would have been 52 years old this year. That still seems so young. And, to think he's been gone for 14 years. I miss my daddy lots.

Saturday/Sunday....The James M. Eddy Memorial Go-Kart Race. This is a family event. We started this in memory of my dad. As a family we go and race go-karts and then have cake. It's a way for us to remember my dad as a family, doing something that he loved. We have a trophy and everything. Unfortunately, I suck at go-kart racing, so I have never gotten the trophy. Maybe this is my year????

Anyway, that's my next week and a half. Hopefully I'll get a bunch of good stuff mixed in with this stuff....

God Bless~~~

Changes....

2008-08-18T21:00:00.003-05:00

So, a lot of changes are coming about.

First, one of my good friends, Christina, got engaged a couple of weekends ago. :) I am so excited for her. She's been an amazing friend and has been there with me through so much...she has pushed me harder in faith and my relationship with Jesus Christ more than anyone else. She has always believed in me...knew that I could do it. Rod is an amazing guy and I can't wait for them to be husband and wife. He proposed in the most amazing way....in an airplane at sunset. :)

Next, my grandma's cancer is back. It's definitely a change. I thought I didn't have to worry about this anymore. It was discovered last Thursday. She had a PET scan on Friday, and we are waiting for the results so we know what kind of treatment will be pursued. It is really changing me....making me give more to God. Letting Him take care of it, knowing that I can do nothing...except PRAY. And, believe me, I've been doing plenty of that.

Another change....I have a job for the next two weeks. :) Kind of. Doing a bit of nannying for some girls. :) It was lots of fun today, we'll see what happens over the course of the next few days. And, I might have another family interested in me for childcare starting soon. :)

Also, please pray with me as i decide on my career. :) I am down to two choices, social work and youth ministry, and I'm seeking God to show me where I should be going....

God Bless~~~~

hillary.

what i learned this weekend....

2008-08-04T10:14:00.002-05:00

Grand Haven's Coast Guard Festival was this weekend....so much fun!!

Anyway, the last few months have included lots of huge changes for me and lots of stepping out of my comfort zone.

This weekend, I took some pretty big steps...figured out a few things...

1. I can feel comfortable in shorts. :)

2. I do look okay in a bathing suit....

3. At large get-togethers with food, I need to go and sit at a table and eat.

I know that last one sounds really weird, and I actually didn't figure it out until this morning. I always just thought I had trouble eating with big groups....but, if we are at a restaurant or something like that I can still eat some. So, next party, I am going to see if this works for me...I figure maybe if I put a few things on my plate and then go and sit down at a table, I will feel more comfortable. We'll have to see.... :)

That's it. Saturday was an amazing day!!!!

God Bless~~~

Pennsylvania!!!

2008-07-22T09:39:00.005-05:00

So, I'm having a blast in PA. Here's some pics from the last few days. :) Today we are off to the swimming pool and I'm sure I'll have some pics of that. I've gotten to spend time with most everyone in my family which is great. I helped my aunt with my cousins and the kids she baby-sits on Friday, on Saturday I went to the family reunion, on Sunday I went to church with my grandma and to a birthday picnic at my cousin's house. Monday, I stayed at my cousin's house and watched her two kids while she worked. :) It's been busy but so much fun to just be able to hang out and experience every day life with them, instead of only special occasions. :)

oh, and just so you know, Hannah Montana: Spotlight World Tour for the Wii is hard to figure out, but we got it and have been having a blast with it. :)

The last few days....

2008-07-12T12:07:00.003-05:00

Have been amazingly better. :) I feel somewhat normal again and have been trying to be a part of society.

On Thursday, I went to Grand Haven...my hometown...and met up with my friend, Joni. We walked the boardwalk down to the lighthouse and back and while walking we chatted about everything that's been going on. I was so stupid though and I wore flip flops. I always forget that the walk is farther than I think. After that, I went to my mom's house and did laundry. She met me for lunch...Jimmy Johns. After she got out of work, she took me up to the hospital to see her friend who had just had a baby, Isabel Grace. I brought my camera and got some shots of her...she's beautiful. Here's my fave one....

I ended up staying at my mom's Thursday night. My friend, Christina, informed about a service project on Friday morning in Grand Haven and I thought since I wasn't working, I could be helping with something. :) So, I went to St. Patricks Church and helped Love, INC had out tons of food to people who needed it. I was so amazed at the kindness of these people. I can't imagine how hard it is for them, to step out, and admit that they need help. They were so thankful for what they could get.

After that, I went shopping. I know, it doesn't sound good after just being with people who couldn't even afford food, but I am pretty sure that I am going to have an interview next week, so I needed to get a pair of pants to wear. I found some, along with some other things, including a way cute dress that I can't wait to wear. :)

I got my haircut on Friday, also. Just a trim....kind of. It's definitely shorter. And, I had a visit to Urgent Care cuz I've been so nauseous all week and last night I was having chest pains. Everything looks good on the x-ray so I have to call my doc on Monday.

That's about it so far....I ran 3 miles this morning. I haven't been out running for so long, but I just took it so long and easy, and felt so much better. I guess I am feeling the urge to NOT be lazy...

Have a blessed day!!!
hillary.

Sometimes I wish....

2008-07-08T09:57:00.002-05:00

That I could be happy. That I could love myself for who I am. That I would be okay eating with a bunch of people. That I could understand that everybody isn't staring at me while I'm eating thinking I'm a pig. That I could ignore this demon that keeps taking control of my body. That I could let go of what the demon is telling me and listen to what my friends are telling me. That a certain boy would realize how much he's lost by letting me go and come running back to me. That I could be honest with him about how much he hurt me. That I could find peace about losing my dad. That God would just wrap his arms around me and hold me until I can find trust again.

The last few days have been rough and these are some of the thoughts running through my head. I'm doing this on my own this time. No therapists....no professional support. Only the support of my friends. It's so hard. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and then 5 steps back. But, at some point, I know I can do it. I can win this battle and be rid of the demons forever....

Please just pray for me as I struggle.

God Bless~~~~
Hillary.

Chicago

2008-07-06T20:18:00.004-05:00

I went to Chicago yesterday with my friend, Jill...We stayed at her parents' condo right downtown Chicago. Looking out their window from the seventeenth floor you could see Lake Michigan and all of the docked sailboats. It was so amazing. And, when the fireworks went off last night, we could watch them from the condo....

Yesterday, I walked 12 miles down Lakeshore Dr and Michigan Ave. We went to Millenium Park where I got to see the "bean". That's me and my friend, Jill...she's like my second mom and watches out for me. :) She rocks.....

We also went and saw this fountain thing that tons of people play in....on the sides of the fountain it shows people's faces and then all of a sudden it shoots water out of their "mouth". Way Cool....and a good place to bring kids to play....

This is the Wrigley Building. We walked by this and I thought the U.S. flag hanging from it was pretty sweet....

And, here's the Chicago River. :)

Jill and I went in all sorts of stores. We both love to shop. We didn't buy much though. I got a shirt that has the Chicago Firemens emblem on it since I have many family members that are volunteer firefighters. I saw lots of cute clothes...Eddie Bauer and Gap have adorable things right now. I think I'm gonna have to go and buy them...

At night, we took the bus down to Grant Park where they have this dance thing going on. Last night was stepping. It was interesting to see all the different people. Here's a picture of Jill's parents dancing. They were so cute... :)

After the dancing thing, we went back to the condo and waited for the fireworks. :) I always love the fireworks and I guess they get them twice a week. They were pretty cool....

This morning we got up and left and went to Ikea where I bought a couple of small things and then went on to Michigan City for a little bit to shop the outlet stores. Then, we headed home. It was a whirlwind trip but I had an amazing time and can't wait to go back.....

Wedding.

2008-06-25T19:52:00.003-05:00

I was in Pennsylvania from Friday to Monday for my cousin Lindi's wedding. Dan and Lindi got married by the Justice of the Peace back in November for financial reasons, but they wanted a "church" wedding so that they were married under God....So, on Saturday, out at the amphitheater in Kittanning, PA, Dan and Lindi renewed their vows in front of God and their family. It was an amazing day. It rained/spit in around 1:30 and then it did the same thing right before the wedding. But, fortunately, it was completely clear for the wedding and the pictures afterwards.

The best thing about this wedding for me, was the fact that Lindi took a huge risk and asked me to be her photographer. She believed in me and trusted that I would do a good job. I had some difficulties due to the best man being so much taller than most of the others, and the sun was a bit bright at times, but we made things work. And, I am thankful and amazed at how well the pictures turned out.

Here's my favorite four so far. :) I took over 300 pictures on Saturday and had an amazing time with it.

Well, my grandma from Pennsylvania is here visiting this week and I'm having such a great time with her. :) I'll post some of our adventures in a few days.

God Bless~~~~

Hillary.

Father's Day

2008-06-16T09:45:00.007-05:00

Yesterday....kind of a hard day for me. It reminds me of how much I miss my dad. This will happen a couple of times over the next few weeks as I experience Father's Day and then the anniversary of his death. It's been almost 14 years and sometimes its still just as hard as the day we lost him. I miss him A LOT. We were so similar in so many ways....He was taken from me too soon. I only had him for half of my life...he died when I was 14 years old...now I'm 28. Sometimes it's just too hard to comprehend.

My afternoon was all right though. My whole family (minus my brother and a couple of cousins) went to my grandparent's house for a BBQ. It was fun to see Brayden and Cassandra. My grandpa got out his Cushman motor scooter and some of the boys took it for a ride. I got a couple of fun pics....

And this little guy found a pine cone and was so excited he just had to have a picture taken....

Then he found another one. :)

Maddie and Mikey even joined in on the fun....

There was a bunch of craziness involving water from the water fountain on Grandma's front porch...but I'll save those pics for another day. Just know that the kids got soaked....

Here's my two fave photos from the day. One of Cassandra and one of Brayden. :) They are growing up so fast....

Still Sick...KIND OF.

2008-06-13T08:11:00.002-05:00

Can you believe it? Yesterday I had a funeral and was rushing to get ready. I noticed while I was driving that it felt like something was on my tongue toward my throat. I kind of forgot about it during the day since I was gone, but last night it started bothering me again. I went and stuck my tongue out and looked at it in the mirror and what do I see? A tongue covered in white...I have thrush. I called my doctor this morning and they are calling a prescription. I just can't believe it though. It's from being on 2 strong antibiotics for the sinus infection and the C-Diff. Hopefully this will be the end of it....And, I'll be better. I'm sick of being sick... :)

On an another note....I leave for Pennsylvania one week from today!! I'm going to my cousin's wedding...I'm the photographer. I can't wait...I'm a little nervous. But, I know it's going to be a good day!! I can't wait to see my family there. I haven't seen most of them since last summer and I saw a few of them in September. It will be fun to get to hang out with everyone....

Have a good weekend...I'm spending it cleaning, scrapbooking and studying...

God Bless~~~
Hillary.

Struggling

2008-06-11T16:06:00.004-05:00

We had some craziness here this past weekend. Lots of rain, wind and storms...Not so bad in Grand Rapids, but it was pretty nasty in Spring Lake and on the Lakeshore. There were 6 fatalities due to the storms, but one of them hit close to home. A Spring Lake alumni, Chad Dushane, died when a large tree branch fell on his car while he was driving down the street. I went to school with Chad...so did my brother. My brother knew him better than I did as they played soccer together, but growing up in a small town, you pretty much know everybody. Chad was engaged to Kathy Tyer who was also in the car with him on Sunday but she was treated and released with minor injuries.

I'm struggling a bit. Over the last few months, I have lost numerous people in my life. All of them good people. Some of them were expected deaths as they were either elderly or sick. But, 3 of them were tragedies....these people were too young to die. Chad is one of those people. He was the nicest guy you could meet, always with a smile on his face.

I'm really struggling with God and why He would do this....I still believe, but it's so hard to watch this continue to happen.

So, if you would....please pray for the Dushane and Tyer families as they move forward after this unexpected loss. Pray for all of Chad's friends who are struggling to grasp the fact that a close friend is no longer with us but is in Heaven awaiting our arrival. And, pray for me, that I let go and let God do what He does. I will never know why He took these people from us but I can use this to help others come to believe that God is the way.

God's Blessings~~~~

Hillary.

RIP Grandpa Huyser....

2008-05-29T06:55:00.002-05:00

He's my neighbor's dad/granddad, but since I'm so close to the neighbors I call him Grandpa, too. He passed away yesterday and fighting with pain from pancreatic cancer. I knew it was coming....just didn't know it would be this fast. It's so hard, it's the third time this year that I've lost someone close to me....and the 4th time in less than 9 months. I was really struggling last night. I know that Grandpa Huyser is better off in heaven....he was in tremendous pain and now it is gone, but that doesn't stop us from feeling the pain of losing him. It brings back the memories of losing my dad...that anniversary is 1 month from today....

I've lost plenty of people in my life, but for me, it never gets easier. I'm an emotional wreck anytime I lose someone close to me. I just can't handle death and grief very well. Even when I was pretty little, I struggled. I just form some close attachments to people....and then it feels like they get ripped away....

Anyway, Grandpa Huyser was an amazing dad, grandpa, friend, employee, golfer and any other word you want to put in there....He would do whatever he could for you. He was just an all around nice guy....

Please pray for his family over the next few days...I'm thankful that they have God on their side, but it will still be a difficult next few days/weeks/months. Please especially pray for his wife, Grandma Huyser...she will need it so much.

God Bless~~~~~
Hillary.

What the heck???

2008-05-28T07:01:00.002-05:00

Everytime I get sick, I am either sick for a crazy long time or it's some weird disease. First, it was the strep throat that I had for 6 weeks. And, it wasn't your normal strep...it was strep B. Then, last summer it was the double ear infection and sinus infection that didn't seem to want to go away and finally involved a visit to the ENT. Now, it's C-Diff. What the heck?? How come I keep getting all these crazy things. It's so hard cuz I'm trying to do homework and stuff and I'm so tired....I just want to sleep. I am so sick of being sick.

On a better note, my birthday is Saturday. :) I can't wait. My mom has bought all the stuff and is ordering me a birthday cake. :) And, she bought some new yard games for us to play....and she bought stuff to make s'mores in her chiminea. Definitely taking tons of pictures on Saturday night. :)

Well, I'm off to try and sleep some more. The ER doctor told me yesterday that drinking lots of liquids and sleep were the two best things that I could do.....

God Bless~~~~
Hillary.

Cousins....

2008-05-24T08:20:00.004-05:00

I love how my family on my mom's side is so amazingly close. Most of them still live in Pennsylvania, but there are quite a few here in Michigan. I recently moved to the other side of town and am now living really close to my mom's cousin Ed and his wife Amy. They have two girls, Becca and Megan. Over the last couple of years, I've gotten closer to them, but since I moved in February, we've gotten even closer. I have such a blast just hanging out and chatting or playing Nintendo Wii. Anyway, today is Becca's birthday party. She turns 16 in just a few short days. She took her driving test, passed it and is now just waiting for her birthday to go and get her license. She's been through a lot this year and I'm proud of her for the way she's handling it....

Here's a couple of pics of Becca and our cousin Ashley, who I love just as much, at Ashley's brother's wedding last weekend. :) I love these two girls more than anything....They make me laugh and have so much fun.... Love you two...

Happy Birthday Becs!!! I owe you dinner, ice cream and a movie. :) Have fun tonight....You will definitely be surprised. :)

Sick.....

2008-05-13T06:43:00.002-05:00

I woke up in the middle of the night sick....So, I'm stuck in bed today. I feel horrible...a fever, stuffy nose, sore throat, throwing up. I hated to miss school.....

Anyway, off to sleep again.

Prayers Please

2008-05-11T19:28:00.000-05:00

I can't go into much of what's going on...but I need prayers. I am really struggling with some issues with my family and I feel like I cannot make progress. I feel like I am trying so hard but yet, they keep knocking me down. It's like they are telling me that I am not allowed to make mistakes....

I've been in tears for the last 2 hours and just can't seem to get them to stop...The tears slow to trickle and then I start thinking about what's going on again and the flood begins all over again.

I feel like I've lost my family...And by losing them, I feel more and more like I'm losing my dad cuz it's his family.

Please just pray for me.

God Bless~~~~
Hillary.

Frustrated already...

2008-05-07T15:58:00.002-05:00

So, it's the second day of school and I'm already frustrated with my class. There are people in my class that do not know how to use a meter stick....There are a couple of others who thought that 12-6 equals 7. This is basic math stuff here. If you can't do this stuff, you shouldn't be in college. Unfortunately, I'm not joking about that stuff. Those same people thought the answer to the "What is an atom?" question on our quiz today was "something you can't see with your eye"...even though the obvious answer was "the smallest piece of matter". We seriously had just gone over that concept less than 5 minutes before. I just feel like our class is being held way back by a few students who don't have the basic skills to make it in a regular college class. And, that's what you get at a community college because they accept everyone. I try to be understand, and I try to help them, but sometimes college is beyond certain people. Or, they really need to start in the remedial English, Math and Reading classes to help them be able to manage the rest of a college career.

Ok, I'm done venting. :) On a good note, I watched Jack and Kate today. It was a good day. The weather was yucky outside, so we couldn't go for our long walk. I did manage to get Kate (1 year) settled down with her new toys and then proceeded to play Connect Four, CandyLand and Uno with Jack (5 years). Kate did get a little hard to handle when their mom came downstairs (she had me over so she could get some reading done) to go and get the two older kids from school. But, she settled down fairly quickly.

Jack is an adventurous child...He is always finding frogs, snakes and bugs. Today, he found worms after the rains this morning, and a bit later, he found a frog. He was putting his frog on the front window so that Kate could see it. It would stay suctioned to the window for a few moments and then fall. He finally let the frog go back to its natural environment.

I am so thankful for the opportunity to watch these kids. :) They are a blessing...they keep me on my toes...And, they always make me laugh hysterically. Jack has an answer for everything...especially when he's doing something he knows he shouldn't be doing, but he wants me to let him do it. :) I can't wait for Friday night when I'll have my first chance at having all 4 kids... :) Should be fun...and interesting...and busy. I'm glad that their parents trust me to take care of their kids...I'm the first sitter the kids have ever had.

I have done a lot of scrapbooking over the last week or so...Just trying to get it in before school started. I did this page..... http://www.scrapinstyletv.com/portfolio/view_layout.php?layout_id=94300&user_id=7851 and I'm really proud of it. I was open about how I felt at the time of the picture and how things have changed. I hope I can continue to scrapbook those pages that hold meaning for me.

God's Blessings~~~~~~
Hillary.

Summer school

2008-05-06T12:32:00.003-05:00

So, Classes started today...Great fun. LOL. I have Biology 101 and Sociology 251 the first half of the summer semester. The Sociology is an online class, I've never taken one, so we'll see what happens. :) All I know is that it's going to be tons of work and I'm going to have to do a ton of studying. It involves at least 3 chapters a week in each class and a test every 1 1/2 weeks in each class. Biology also involves a lab and all the extra work that goes along with finishing labs before the next one and a quiz during every lab. But, I like the prof for the class. She seems to be easy-going and fun. She also says she tests mainly on concepts...not all the little details so that many other professors want you to know. This means that I won't be online as much since I'll be spending way more time studying, but I will make sure that I give myself some free time to check in and to have some fun. :) I'm still planning on attending the MI SiS crop on June 6th. Granted, I may bring homework with me, but it's okay....I will still have fun. Just hanging out with those amazing girls is good enough for me. I don't need to scrapbook. :)

Well, I'm off to tackle some of those Biology chapters and to finish some lab stuff. :) Wish me luck....

God Bless~~~~~
Hillary.

Wondering....

2008-04-30T22:10:00.002-05:00

So, after this fall, I'm ready to move onto a new school adventure, but I'm not quite sure what that will be yet. I have some huge decisions that I need to make, and I just feel like I'm not able to make the decision. I've been praying and pleading for an answer or a direction, but I'm not getting it. I really need to decide on a career, because depending on what I want to do, depends on where I end up going and whether I go to a public university or a christian college.

What do I want to do?? Either youth ministry or social work. Yep, they are kind of similar...especially cuz in social work I want to work with the teens. And, yes, I know that teens are hard....I love that age. I feel like I connect with them better than anybody else. I also know how much the youth leaders at my church connect with these kids and make them feel like they are worth something. The preaching/singing and whatever else comes with youth ministry doesn't scare me...I just feel like God isn't giving me clear direction on what to do. And, this worries me....like, maybe I'm heading in the completely wrong direction.

In the mean time, classes start for me again next Tuesday. I'm a bit nervous since I really struggled with getting to class this past semester and resulted in me dropping my classes. I just need prayers that I can get through this...And, that can achieve my goals. I have to prove it to myself and my family that I can do this. :)

A lot is going in my head right now with all of this...Some pretty big decisions because it will affect me for the rest of my life...Scary thought....

On a good note, I have been scrapbooking more and more. :) And, I'm going to a crop on Saturday with my Michigan SiS girls...I'm a bit nervous because I have a hard time meeting new people, but I'm sure it will be a blast. And, I have plenty of things to do....

So, with that, please keep me in your prayers while I'm making some huge decisions. Also, keep my family friends, the Josey's, in your prayers. They lost their dad/husband about a month ago from a heart attack and it's been really hard on all of them. They just need to feel God's peace around them....

God Bless~~~~~
Hillary.

Sad...............

2008-03-31T12:26:00.002-05:00

So, I'm really shocked....sad.....I don't know how else to describe it. My neighbor from growing up died this weekend. Totally unexpected. He was an awesome dad...a ton of fun. I'm going to really miss him. It's hard because I moved away so long ago...7 years....I still go back and visit. But, I hadn't seen that family in quite some time. I wish I would have visited them more often. They were like a second family to me. They fed me...took me on errands with them...I babysat their kids....I played at their house. I practically lived there.

It's also bringing back memories for me. Those feelings of losing my dad. I know how hard this will be on Megan and Daniel....I'm glad that they have the Lord on their side to help them through these difficult days and weeks to come.

If you are reading this, if you could please keep the Josey family in your prayers. They will need it over the next few days....and for months to come.

Thanks.....

God's Blessings~~~
Hillary.

Florida....

2008-03-25T22:19:00.004-05:00

SO....I'm leaving for Florida a week from Friday and I can't wait. :) I haven't been there since first grade and I'm really looking forward to being able to just lay on the beach and spend time with my family. In preparation for my exciting trip, I had to go shopping. I needed some cute beach clothes to wear. So, here's what I got... :) Let me know what you think....

So.....I'm not so sure about the shorts. The one pair are pretty short....My cousin says they look cute on me... And, the other pair are those bermuda shorts. I don't think that type looks good on me, but again, my cousin says they look cute. And, she knows about style since she's a high schooler. :)

I bought two new bathing suits too...But, I can't find them online. I bought 1 tankini and 1 halter style bikini.

I've been tanning to prepare for my vacation in the sun....but not too much, I am being careful.

On a different note, this guy who is like a grandpa to me was supposed to have surgery today to remove his pancreas because of cancer....But, I found out this evening that they couldn't do the surgery because the cancer has spread too much. He will have to have chemo. Please pray for him, his family and all others who are close to him. He is amazing man....and I'm lucky that I get to call him Grandpa.

God's Blessings~~

Hillary.

Easter.....

2008-03-23T21:28:00.002-05:00

So, for some reason, Easter hit me more this year than it has in previous years. Jesus Christ suffered for me. He died on the cross for MY sins. This year more than any in the past, I'm struggling to understand...to comprehend. Maybe it's because I'm admitting everything that I'm going through. Maybe it's because I'm finally realizing that God loves me through thick and thin. I am His child....He wants what is best for me. I just have to give everything to Him.

Every year I read this book...He Chose the Nails by Max Lucado. It's about the last days of Jesus and what He went through for me. And, for you. It doesn't talk about just the cross. It talks about the crown of thorns, the spit from the soldiers, the two other crosses and so much more. It's a reminder that He didn't have to go through any of this. But, He wanted to. He suffered so that we can live...and have eternal life.

Anyway, that's my Easter sermon...for what its worth. All I know is that I love God with all of my heart, mind and soul....And, that He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. And, when God has decided that it's my time, I will be spending eternity in Heaven with Him. And, the others who have gone before me that I miss so much....

God Bless...

Hillary.

Wow...this needs updated....

2008-02-10T15:50:00.000-05:00

So, I haven't updated in awhile...A lot of stuff has happened. Including, a stay at Pine Rest to help me get my meds adjusted and to learn how to cope...A great Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year, Losing my job, Starting a new semester of college (as a full-time student), and Losing one of the most amazing ladies that I have ever known...My great-grandma.

Sounds like a lot....it has been a lot. It's been so hard, but I've been trying to do my best...Remembering that I can ask for help, and that there are people there who will support me.

The new meds have helped me to gain weight... :) It's a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I needed a few pounds...but bad because its so hard for me to deal with. Food is and always will be an issue for me....Another thing I'm working on in therapy.

Anyway, today is being spent just vegging and packing up my apartment since I'm moving soon to a cheaper apartment. (I'm losing my scrapbook room, though.) The weather here is absolutely horrible....Two degrees out and then add the wind chill....Brrrrrrr....I'm staying indoors. Plus, they have closed everything, including many of the highways...

Well, I wish everyone God's Blessings. :)
Peace~~~~~~
Hillary.

School Shopping. :)

2007-08-26T14:28:00.000-05:00

So, over the past few days I've done some school shopping for myself. I figure I deserve new clothes for school. :) Igot a sweet sling backpack at Kohl's for only 17 dollars. I was so pumped cuz the regular price was 65 dollars. Hopefully it will last me until I'm done with school.

I went to Aeropostale today and got 2 sweaters, a cami, a sweatshirt, and a pair of jeans.... they are so cute.

Here's some pics of what I got.

I feel like I'm stylish again. :) I was excited to find jeans that actually fit well. I guess I'll be going there from now on for jeans....

Hillary.

Body Image Research Paper

2007-08-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

Here's my research paper that I've been working so hard on. :) Just thought I'd post it here....

In the last forty years, body image issues have risen dramatically. Marilyn Monroe wore a size twelve during the height of her popularity during the last 1950s. Now, Terri Hatcher, an actress appearing in Desperate Housewives, wears a size two (Schneider). There has been a huge change in what is considered beautiful by the media. A Body Mass Index of less than fifteen is considered underweight. This makes many of today’s contenders for the Miss America crown underweight. The problems with body image are not just for teenagers and adults. The problems are now increasing in young girls. Body image needs to be discussed at an early age so that girls do not engage in self-destructive behaviors.
Body Mass Index is the measure of your weight relative to your height. This is used as a reliable indicator of total body fat and is considered valid for both men and women. Body Mass Index does have limits because sometimes it overestimates body fat in athletes and it can underestimate body mass in the elderly or those who may have lost muscle mass (Aim for a Healthy Weight). Although there has been a huge rise in obesity over the last few years, there have also been a large amount of girls struggling with the opposite end of the weight struggle.
Due to the changes made in Hollywood in regards to size, the rates of both of anorexia and bulimia have increased in all age groups. Anorexia Nervosa, according to Costin, has four main diagnostic criteria. First, anorexia is “a refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height.” Usually a diagnosis of anorexia is given when a patient’s weight is fifteen percent below the normal weight for their height and weight. Second, it is “an intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight.” Third, there is “a disturbance in the way in which one’s body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self-evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.” Finally, a patient has amenorrhea if she is of age to have a menses. It is considered amenorrhea when there is an absence of at least three consecutive menstrual cycles (Costin).
Bulimia Nervosa also has four diagnostic criteria according to the Costin. A patient being diagnosed with bulimia must have recurrent episodes of binge eating and recurrent episodes of inappropriate behavior to compensate in order to prevent weight gain. They usually use self-induced vomiting, misuse laxatives, diuretics, enemas or other medications; fasting or excessive exercise. The binge eating and other behavior to compensate must both occur, on average, twice weekly for three months. The patient’s evaluation of self is influenced by their body shape and their weight (Costin).
There is more than one cause of issues with body image. The media is one of the main causes, in my opinion, of body image problems. The thin actresses and models in today’s society have changed the way we look at ourselves. Many of us don’t feel thin enough or pretty enough due to the standards set by the media today. Many studies have shown that “…in the current world of television, thinness represents power and control, health and wealth, while obesity symbolizes poverty and a lack of power and control” (Lauger). The media is one of the main contributors to the rising rate of eating disorders. Although they do not directly cause eating disorders, they help create a context where people start placing values on the size and shape of their body (The Media). The power that the media has over the development of self-esteem and body image in both children and adults can be incredibly strong (The Media).
Every year, in the United States, between five and ten million girls and women go without food or get sick after eating (Bassman). This is a major problem because it can cause many physical risks as well as many emotional risks. There are many different types of risks associated with anorexia. They include the following; hair loss, brittle nails, fine hair growth on the face, back and arms, constipation, cessation of menses, anemia, lowered potassium, phosphorus and magnesium levels; lowered body temperatures, kidney failure which could require dialysis, osteoporosis, irreversible brain atrophy, diminished cardiac capacity, lowered heart rate and blood pressure and cardiac arrhythmias. Many of these risks are not high risk, but some of them can be life-threatening if not taken care of properly. Bulimia also has many health risks associated with it, but most of the risks are more life-threatening. Bulimics can have any of the following risks; erosion of tooth enamel, swelling of the jaw and neck, acid reflux, irritation or rupture of the esophagus, low potassium levels, electrolyte imbalances with can lead to cardiac arrhythmias or seizures, ipecac poisoning, heart and kidney failure, constipation or colon damage. Many of the life-threatening risks are due to imbalances in electrolytes and other necessary vitamins and minerals that are needed for daily living.
Besides the many physical risks of anorexia and bulimia, there are also some mental and emotional risks. According to the article written by Elyse Bassman, she says, “In seventh grade, I was one of those girls. I felt unhappy, and my self-esteem dropped. To satisfy my need to be thin and beautiful, I stopped eating.” Another example of mental health risks that “experts cite evidence that a tendency for developing anorexia and bulimia can be inherited, just as other psychiatric disorders are.” Also, anorexics are known to have orderly, obsessive-compulsive thinking. In bulimics, they can suffer from profound mood swings and also anxiety that is not tolerable for the patient (Guernsey).
“I still feel fat and want to lose weight.” That is a note in my journal written in July 1997 when I was in the depths of anorexia. I was 5 foot 4 inches and just barely 100 pounds. I had already lost a lot of weight since the previous summer, but it wasn’t good enough. Anytime that I looked in the mirror, all I saw was a fat girl even though my ribs were starting to show through.
Issues with body image can cause problems in relationships; not only with family, but your peers as well. One patient stated her friends told her after she had started into recovery for an eating disorder, “I couldn’t help you, and it was hard to see shrinking, literally and metaphorically” (Guernsey). Body image issues are also related to some suicides. “One in ten anorexia cases ends in death from starvation, suicide, or medical complications like heart attack or kidney failure” (APA Online).
There have not been many past efforts to change the ways of life regarding body image in the United States. Recently, there have been deaths of supermodels from other countries due to the risks of anorexia. Since these deaths, Spain and Brazil have enforced rules in regards to weight and health. The “…designers in Spain made the bold move of imposing a minimum weight-to-height ratio on cat walkers. Milan followed suit, asking models to present a health ‘license’ to work…” (Academy for Eating Disorders). Unfortunately, the United States has not followed suit regarding these issues. “The Academy for Eating Disorders…calls for a global ban on the use of severely underweight models in fashion shows and in fashion magazines, and encourages the industry to adopt minimum acceptable height-to-weight ratio in keeping with the guidelines established by the World Health Organization” (Academy for Eating Disorders).
Even though the United States is not jumping on the bandwagon to help begin fixing the issues in the modeling world, there is a program that has been developed to help elementary and middle school girls learn about healthy body image. Girls on the Run is a program founded in 1996 by Molly Barker, a four time Hawaii Ironman triathlete and social worker. She founded the program to “celebrate the gifts of girlhood and to address what Molly calls the ‘girl-box’ issue” (Girls on the Run). The “girl-box” described as the box where only “girls who were a certain size with a certain beauty were popular; where girls who wanted to fit in had to mold their bodies and their personalities to fit the requirements of the box” (Girls on the Run).
The Girls on the Run program started with just 13 girls. Today there are programs in over 150 cities across North America. They have tens of thousands of girls and women participating. In Kent County, the program has more than doubled in size in its four years. This past year over seven hundred and twenty girls participated in the program. They had forty five teams on twenty two training sites. The Ottawa County/Allegan County program had over 1400 girls register for last year which was in an increase of over 200 girls (Martinez).
The mission of Girls on the Run is “to educate and prepare girls for a life time of self-respect and healthy living” (Girls on the Run). It is a program designed for girls that are aged eight to thirteen years old. It is a program that combines training for a 3.1 mile running event with “self-esteem enhancing, uplifting workouts. The goals of the program are to encourage positive emotional, social, mental, spiritual, and physical development” (Girls on the Run). Girls on the Run wants to reduce some of the at-risk activities among the girls. Some of the things that they want to change are less adolescent pregnancies, eating disorders, depression, suicide attempts, and substance/alcohol abuse problems. They also want to decrease the amount of problems with the juvenile justice system.
Girls on the Run has a curriculum that is followed by each group that participates. The first four weeks of the program, the teams talking about getting to know who they are personally and what they stand for. The second four weeks discuss building a team and talking about cooperation. The last four weeks discuss community and what it means to be a part of a community.
The program has been assessed by Rita DiGioacchino DeBate, Ph.D. to see how well it meets its stated objectives. DeBate used a pre-test/post-test to measure the girls’ attitudes towards physical activity, self-esteem, eating attitudes, body image and communication. The assessments done by DeBate found that the program is meeting the stated objectives regarding all aspects that were measured (Girls on the Run).
Girls on the Run is an amazing program that should be implemented in all of the schools. Unfortunately, due to the cost to run the program it is not a viable option. Instead of an after-school program, there should be a way to implement a similar program into the schools during the students’ health/science classes and during some of their physical education time. My proposed solution should be federally funded and be required in all elementary schools across the nation. The solution that I have come up with would discuss the benefits of healthy living which includes healthy exercise, healthy body image and healthy eating habits. My solution would show how healthy living is a benefit for living to an older age and show the benefits of living longer. Another part of my solution would include discussing eating disorders and the harm that they cause in the short-term but also in the long-term. The solution would make sure that students understand the dangers of anorexia and bulimia and what they can do to help a friend or peer if a problem is suspected. Physical education would also be integrated into the solution. Teaching children healthy exercising will help improve students’ self-esteem. This is a good idea because too many kids are too busy to exercise because they are on the computer, watching television or playing video games. Discussing healthy eating would also be part of the solution. This would teach children about some of the other options that are available to them besides junk food.
Our society’s ideals about weight and body types have dramatically changed over the last forty years. This is increasing the body image problems facing our young girls today. Changes should be made so that we can reverse the damages that have already been done and so that our children can live happy, healthy lives.

My English Paper...

2007-06-28T23:34:00.001-05:00

Here's my English paper...Please critique it. Thanks. :)

Sweaty and tired, we got off the bus for what was to be “the best week of our lives”. That’s what our YoungLife leaders had been telling all of us all year long. When we arrived at camp, there was an enormous amount of people waiting to welcome us and make sure that we realized how amazing this week would be. For most, it probably was just what the leaders had described, but for me it was something totally different. It was the beginning of a long road to recovery. A recovery that would take many years.
We were a group of four girls from Spring Lake and Grand Haven, Lisa, Sarah, Jill and me, along with our leader, Bridget. We all knew each other somewhat from YoungLife, but not enough to where we felt totally comfortable just opening ourselves up to each other. Little did we know by the end of the week, we would have an amazing bond. A bond that still continues to this day. I was the youngest and most shy of the group and that made it even more difficult for me to open up. I had been through a lot the previous two years; losing my dad to skin cancer, my mom starting to date again, and beginning the rocky road of high school. I kept my distance at first, unable to share my feelings and what I was going through in my mind. I was struggling a lot. And did not know where I could turn for help.
I was not comfortable in my own skin. I could not fathom putting on a pair of shorts or a bathing suit. I was not happy with the way I looked and I had chosen to fix that in a way that was very unhealthy. At the time I thought losing a few pounds would make me feel better about myself. But the more I lost, the more unhappy I felt until I had dug myself so deep into a hole that I could not figure out how I could ever get out.
This made the days at camp very difficult. Most every activity from the zip-line to parasailing involved a bathing suit. I could not handle even participating in these activities and this made it very hard for the other girls in my cabin. They were very uncomfortable with what was going on, but did not know what to do or how to help.
Meals were also very uncomfortable for me. I was well down the path to anorexia and I was not used to eating three times a day. I was not even used to eating one meal a day. This also made mealtime difficult for others around me. But, at the time I did not realize how much I was hurting my body and could not understand why the others were beginning to worry about me.
One day, my leader, Bridget and I went for a walk. She needed to have a one-on-one chat with me about what was going on. At the end of our chat about my food issues, she made the one statement that will never leave me.
“If you don’t eat, I’m going to have to send you home.” I was shocked. I did not think what I was doing was harmful or hurtful to me or anyone around me. But, it was.
I was scared. I did not want to be sent home. My mom could not afford a plane ticket and I had been hiding my problem for so long. I did not think that my mom knew.
Bridget went to the camp director to see what could be done while I was at camp to help me. Fortunately, another leader was also a social worker. She had gone to the director and said that if somebody needed help she would be willing to help. And, that’s how I met Stephanie. Stephanie was a school social worker and had also struggled with anorexia. She knew exactly what I was going through, and knew exactly what questions needed to be asked.
We met Friday morning in a living area off the dining room. Just the two of us. It had a huge stone fireplace and many comfortable couches. She quickly made me feel at ease so I wouldn’t be scared or feel lonesome. While we chatted, we could smell the pancakes and bacon that the cooks were making in the kitchen a short distance away. Stephanie and I talked a lot about the issues I was facing. Not just the food issues, but the many other issues, including missing my dad who had passed away two years before. Our chat lasted for about an hour. We quickly finished when we heard the yelling and laughing of all the other campers waiting to be let into the dining room for breakfast.
The next morning, we left for home and returned to daily life. I still struggled for many years with anorexia. But, I realized even though it was not the best week of my life, it was a huge turning point in my life that showed me how much people cared about me.

School....

2007-03-29T20:25:00.000-05:00

So I think I'm changing things up a bit. Not gonna do the whole pharmacy thing. It just stresses me out too much. Plus, it will be hard to work and go to school when I get to the actual Pharmacy classes.

Now the plan is for Social Work or something in that area. I think after I get myself straightened out that I would be good at something like that. Helping people.... Working with teen girls. I've been there and it sucked. And I didn't have anyone to turn to. I'd like to be able to provide that.... It's hard to be a teenage girl these days, especially with all the celebrities being so thin and not providing good role models.

I went to advising day at school today and I think I can do something like this. My psych teacher talked it over with me, she says she sees something in me that I don't see in myself. So, I think I need to keep working with her and I can go somewhere. :)

This summer I'm taking Abnormal Psychology and English 100. In the fall I'm signed up for Developmental Psych (with the same Psych prof I have right now cuz she rocks), English 102, PoliSci 110 and my Wellness credit which is soccer. I actually am pretty excited for the fall. Soccer should be a blast, I miss it a lot. My other option is Golf which would have been fun too, but soccer will get me in better shape...

Peace. :)
Hillary.

New pictures.

2007-03-17T14:08:00.000-05:00

I got the other CDs from my uncle today. And there were tons more way cute pictures. :) Anyway, here's a couple of them....

The last one is one of my faves. :) Tigger was playing around and pretending like he didn't want to be near me and that he was scared of me.... He quickly straightenend up and had a picture with me. :) It was pretty funny. I miss CA so much.....

I'll add some more pics later.

Hillary.

No job....

2007-03-14T11:31:00.000-05:00

I don't have a job anymore. It sucks. I really need the income. And I can't get unemployment cuz it's my fault. But I just couldn't take it anymore. We have a store manager and pharmacy manager that both lack experience and they are both in the same store. So, they don't know how to handle problems and take care of them quickly and efficiently. I've been waiting for 4 months for my problem to get resolved and it hasn't.

The only good thing that has come out of this is my stress level is already way down. I slept better last night than I have in a long time. I guess this was probably a good change that needed made.

As of right now, I have applied to many different places, both her in Michigan and in Pennsylvania. Yep, that's right, if I get a job out there, I'm moving. I'm thinking that I need a fresh start. Out on my own (except for family that lives there) and nobody constantly telling me what to do. And telling me that I'm not good enough.

I'm just waiting for my federal income tax check, then I'm heading for Pennsylvania to look for a job. My cousin says I can stay with her while I get on my feet. And, I'll just baby-sit her kids while I'm there. She only works parttime.

Anyway, I'll try and keep this updated.

Hillary.

Crystal Cathedral

2007-03-11T23:23:00.000-05:00

This is the most amazing place in the whole world. The Crystal Cathedral is beautiful. I was amazed at everything about it. The grounds are beautiful, the sanctuary is beautiful and the Welcoming Center is beautiful. And the volunteers that work there are all so kind. It's mostly elderly people. They greet you when you come into the sanctuary, gave us a lot of info and answered any question that we might have. We took tons of pictures and I'm just amazed at all the beauty of this place. It just makes you feel so peaceful. I want to visit the Crystal Cathedral again and attend a worship service. Someday....

My next scrapbook page

2007-03-10T00:19:00.000-05:00

So, I have this kind of figured out. I'm using this picture. Thinking about using some pinks and purples. :) Since those are our fave colors. And, the journalling will go something like this

....

"my little bugly, my peanut, my best friend. YOU believe in me when nobody else does. YOU love me even through my darkest days. YOU can put a smile on my face when nobody else can. YOU are my best friend. Cassandra, you are the light in my life, the reason I keep going. The reason that I push myself so hard to accomplish something in life. I want you to know that I do this so you have a role model...so that you know anything is possible. Even on my worst of days or weeks, a smile from you or a chat on the phone with you makes it all better. Thank you for having a huge soul and for caring for everyone. You are the most amazing 8 year old that I know. And, I love you...Your cousin,Hill"

Cassandra is the most amazing little girl that I know....she has the heart and soul of an old person. She always wants to help you out and doesn't like anyone to be sad.

I love her. :) She's my little buddy.

peace,

hillary.

Life....

2007-03-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

I am going crazy. I am so sick of work and getting a phone call EVERY DAY to come in early. I even got a call on my day off. It's not my responsibility to come in and work all the time just because you can't keep up. I'm supposed to be cutting back some stress....calling me every day just doesn't help.

Anyway, I went shopping yesterday...bought a new microwave, a new tv and an entertainment center. This morning I went and got a few more Disney things to make my Disney scrapbook. Hopefully I'll get to work on that this weekend. :)

I'm so thankful to be on Winter break this week. I've gotten to just veg a bit and just relax. But, I do need to get working on some of this homework I'm behind on. I still have a couple of more days.

Therapy is going well. I think I can make some progress with this therapist. She's way better than the previous one. We'll see where this all takes me. :) She tells me that I don't need to be a perfectionist, that it's ok to screw up, make mistakes and do something that isn't exactly how I want it. That is hard for me....

SO, I'm off to get ready for work. :)

have a good day!!!!!

Hillary.

Disney Part 2....

2007-03-06T13:26:00.000-05:00

So, day 2 of Disney. Sunday Feb 11. We woke up in the morning and it was raining... YUCK. So, we got all ready and had breakfast at the hotel and then headed over to Target. We got ponchos for the kids and 2 big golf umbrellas. We headed to the park and the rain was slowly stopping. We went to California Adventures and had so much fun. First we went to Playhouse Disney--Live on Stage so that Brayden could see Bear in the Big Blue House, Stanley, JoJo and others. it was a lot of fun, but he was a little shy about the whole thing. After that, we went to see the Muppet Vision 3-D movie. It was pretty stupid, but still fun. The best part was the 3-D glasses. Cassandra and I looked so cute in them. Anyway, after that we went on the Monsters, Inc. ride. It was kind of cool. The kids really liked it. We also went to the Aladdin--Musical Spectactular in this part of the park. It was a really cool "stage" show. With an actual flying carpet, a funny genie, and an amazing set. It was my favorite part in the Hollywood Pictures Backlot section.
We went on to "a bug's land" and I rode some of the rides with Cassandra and Brayden. We first went on Flik's Flyers, which has you riding in "hot air balloons" and you go around in circles. It was fun to ride with the kids. Then we went on "Francis' Ladybug Boogie". We were kind of disappointed in this ride because it was really jerky, and we thought it was like the teacups and you could spin your cart around, but you couldn't. Oh well, still a good time. We then headed over to "Tuck and Roll's Drive 'Em Buggies". As you can imagine, these are bumper cars. And a little boy and a little girl wanted to drive these cars... It was so funny because they don't go fast enough to really bump into anyone. The kids liked driving though. Brayden also rode on "Heimlich's Chew Chew Train". This was cool for him because he LOVES trains....
After this area of the park, we took a little walk around the rest of the park. We went to the "King Triton's Carousel", the "s.s. Rustworthy" (this had a water thing to play with) and then went back to the Golden State Amphitheater to wait for a special surprise for Brayden. And soon it came...Lightning McQueen and Mater from the movie Cars. They came driving down the street and Brayden was shocked and amazed. It was so cool for him. We got some awesome pictures. He loves that movie. After that we waited a bit longer for Cassandra's surprise. Her favorite movie is "High School Musical" and soon a float came down the street and they had a "High School Musical" Pep rally. Cassandra had so much fun and they even had the kids up dancing and such with them. She enjoyed that so much.
We walked around a bit more, and then went back to the Golden State Amphitheater because there was going to be another parade. :) This was the Block Party Bash. They had dancing and sorts of fun stuff going on. Again, Cassandra got up and was dancing right along with them. It was so awesome. After that, we were all wiped. So, we headed back to the hotel. We had a hard time with the time change. And, we were all pretty much asleep by 8pm CA time.
I'll write more later. It was such an amazing trip.

Hillary.

Disney....

2007-03-05T13:14:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...I just realized I never posted on her about Disney. Might be a good idea since I had a BLAST!!! I rode Space Mountain and California Screamin'. This was probably one of the best trips in my whole life. I'm so thankful that my aunt and uncle took me with them, even if I had to ride all the spinny rides and such with the kidlets. :)
We flew on Friday Feb. 9th to Orange County Airport in California. The plane ride was a bit bumpy over the Rockies and I thought I was gonna die. I was so not used to flying at all. Before we checked into the hotel, we ran to Target (just across the street from the hotel) and picked up some water, juice boxes and other goodies. And then went and checked into our hotel. We stayed at the Homewood Suites, they were pretty nice. They had a small kitchen in them and a table to eat at. Anyway, after getting settled we went to Outback Steakhouse for dinner since we were all famished. It was 4pm CA time, but 7pm Michigan time and we hadn't really eaten much of anything all day. After dinner we went back to the hotel and pretty much fell asleep. We were all so tired.
On Saturday Feb. 10th, we went to Disneyland. Oh my gosh, it was so awesome. I was amazed at everything we saw. We rode the Dumbo ride (I rode with Cassandra and my uncle with Brayden). Then we went and got in line to ride the Storybook Land Canal Boats. It was pretty cool. I have some great pics. :) Then we went and road the Casey Jr. Circus Train because Brayden loves trains. We rode in the wild animals cage. Too fun. We got the kids these really cool hats from a store called the "Mad Hatter" in the theme park. They had all sorts of cute hats. I almost got a pink cowboy hat that had a tiara on it. But it was like 45 dollars and I thought that was too much for a hat.... Next ride....Just for Grandma, "its a small world". I didn't want to ride it, but my uncle made us all go on it. My grandma hates this ride, she finds it really annoying cuz the song plays over and over and over. So, my uncle took like 40 pictures and we are printing them all out for her. :) We love you, Gram.
Then it was off to Mickey's Toon Town. We met Mickey and Goofy and played around there for awhile. Brayden went on his first rollercoaster (he wasn't even 3 years old yet). Cassandra doesn't like roller coasters, so she wouldn't go. After spending time there, we went to the Disney Princess Fantasy Faire. Cassandra became a princess... It was pretty cute.
At about 3pm we went back to the hotel for a rest. We all fell asleep and woke up around 6pm. We hurried up and got ready and went back to the park so that we could see "Walt Disney's Parade of Dreams". It was so cool. The colors of the floats rocked. I was astounded and the whole thing. After the parade, we went and found some seats and got some dinner/snack and waited for Fantasmic to begin. It had some amazing effects. They had sheets of water going up in the air and they had pictures in the water. It was awesome. A little bit scary for the kids though. After that, we went and watched the fireworks.. They were cool because they were over the castle. And, they had Tinkerbell flying along in front of them on a cable. :) After that we went back to the hotel and went back to bed. It was a long day.
Anyway, i'm tired of writing for now. I'll post more about our trip later. It was a blast...

Hillary.

Therapy...

2007-03-05T13:12:00.000-05:00

I started therapy again a couple of weeks ago. I thought I didn't need it, but my body and mind are telling me that it's a good thing.
I woke up a week and a half ago totally overwhelmed. I couldn't focus on anything. I was really anxious. I was about ready to go to Pine Rest and check myself in.
Instead I called the mental health number on the back of my insurance and got set up with a new therapist. She's pretty cool. We'll see how it goes. This is probably going to be the best time for therapy for me. I'm ready to be well. So, I have had 2 appointments now. I will be going every week for awhile now. And, the end of March I have a med evaluation with a psychiatrist. The anti-depressants scare me. They almost always make me nauseous and upset my stomach. Then I start losing weight, then I fall back into old cycles. It's happened before, it will probably happen again. I just have to make sure that I watch out for that.
Also, my psych prof rocks. :) She noticed something was up, confronted me about it, and told me if I needed help with something to let her know. I love people like that....
Anyway, gotta go. I'm on Winter Break from school this week, but I still have TONS of homework to catch up on. (I have been struggling to even make it to class. I'm not able to sleep these days.) I'm just hoping my other two profs will be understanding when I go and talk with them about what's going on.
Love ya'll.... :)
Hillary.

Good Morning!!

2007-02-07T09:13:00.000-05:00

So, I am having a hard time waking up this morning. I'm almost tempted to back to sleep, but I know that I need to study some before I go to work later. Plus, I need to get my apartment cleaned up before I leave for vacation. In 2 more days, I'll be at the airport waiting to board my plane to California. I cannot wait. :) I'm so freakin' excited.

Anyway, maybe I'll update again later. My brain is still not functioning well this morning....

Anorexia.....

2007-02-06T09:57:00.000-05:00

So, I am trying on all of my clothes that I need for my vacation. They all fit, but I just don't like how they look. I don't want to fall back into old habits, but it's scaring me. I weigh more now than I have ever weighed in my whole life. I wish I was thinner. I know it would be okay for me to lose a couple of pounds, but it would just downward spiral from there. And I can't let that happen.

Maybe I need to think about therapy again. Keep me in your prayers please.

Hillary.

What??

2007-02-06T08:24:00.000-05:00

They didn't cancel school today. I'm not going though. I'm not risking my life for that....
The news website says the highways are like two-tracks and are still really slippery. Why would they want students trying to drive in that? Plus the windchill is absolutely ridiculous. I'm not even sure what it is, but I know it's really low.

Only a couple of more days before I get to some warmer weather. I cannot wait. California is going to be a blast. It will just be nice for me to get away from everything here. Maybe help me feel a little bit better. We'll see how it goes.

Eventhough I don't have school today, I really need to work on my paper for English class. I posted what I have done down my blog somewhere.... Just not sure where to go with it. I need to re-do part of it. It's a little choppy in areas.

I do have the day off from work today. I need to go to the mall. I want a new pair of white flip flops for my vacation from Old Navy. Maybe find a new shirt or two....We'll see what happens....

Anyway, I hope everyone has a blessed day. :)

School cancelled....

2007-02-05T13:10:00.000-05:00

Woo Hoo.... School was cancelled today. I think it was a mix of really bad roads and really cold weather. It's horrible here. I like snow, but not this horrible cold blowing stuff....

So, now I have to figure out when my paper is due for English. It's supposed to be due next Wednesday, but I think it will probably be pushed back so that we can still have conferences with our teacher.

I hope he pushes back. I will be out in California next week on vacation and don't want to have to e.mail it to my teacher. This would make it so much simpler.

I hope school is cancelled tomorrow too, but I doubt it. But, if it's still really cold out, they'll have to cancel school. They can't get the roads cleaned off because it's too cold outside for the salt to work....

We'll see what happens.

School Paper...

2007-02-03T21:49:00.000-05:00

So, here's the start of it. We'll see where it takes me. :) I'm not quite sure how I want to continue. I need the rough draft finished on Monday for the conference with my teacher. I have better things to do than write a paper. Like start packing for my trip. :) I leave Friday am and I can't wait. I'm a little nervous about flying, but I'm sure I'll be fine. I will have so much fun with the kidlets and my aunt and uncle. Disney, here I come. :)

Anyway, here's that paper...I still need to do the last body paragraph and the conclusion paragraph....

To me, identity is not just one special thing. My identity is many different things that work together to make me who I am. My family and my faith are a huge part of my identity and who I am. I am the person I am today because of the struggles I have gone through in my life. Losing a dad to cancer, struggling with an eating disorder and making bad choices about money have made me the person that I am today.
Losing my dad to cancer was one of the hardest struggles I have ever been through. He was only 37 years old and was too young to die. Melanoma ravaged his body and took him from his family too soon. My dad and I were two peas in a pod. We were so similar in our likes, dislikes, and ideals. My dad believed in the person that I was and influenced me to make good decisions. I was only 14 years old when my dad died; my brother only eleven. We were both too young to lose a main figure in our lives, the person that we placed all trust in. This has been difficult for both of us, even after almost 13 years. We know that God has a plan for our lives, but how can it include taking away a parent? Over the years, I have become at peace with this devastating event. It hasn’t been easy and took a lot of time to process the events. It involved a lot of therapy to get through. But this struggle made me the person that I am today. This struggle has shaped me into the sympathetic and caring individual that I am today. It has made me stronger in my relationship with Jesus Christ, and has also brought me amazing close to my family.
Eating disorders wreak havoc on the soul, mind and body. Your thoughts are out of control and are difficult to ignore. You believe that you are huge, even when you are so thin your body is no longer functioning properly. That was me not so long ago. I never thought that I was thin enough, that I was pretty enough, and that I could ever be loved. These horrible thoughts were struggles for me for a large portion of my teenage years. It took a lot of support, a lot of tears and a lot of talking to get through this. My brain and my body had to be retrained to understand that food is okay. I had to retrain my body to understand that I needed food to live. It is a horrible struggle and I am glad that I have made it through and conquered it. My struggle with anorexia has made me the person that I am today.

Homework

2007-01-30T23:26:00.000-05:00

So, I should be writing a paper for English class. But I just can't do it. I'm not used to writing 2 to 3 page papers. Last semester all of our papers were 5 paragraphs. SO, this is a huge task for me.

The assignment is to write about topic that is related to your identity. Either a definition of your identity or a personal narrative that demonstrates a diffculty you had with the notion of identity. I am really struggling with what to write about...I kind of have the beginning to a first paragraph, but it's not finished...HELP ME. :)

To me, identity is not just one special thing. My identity is many different things that work together to make me who I am. My family and my faith are a huge part of my identity and who I am. I am the person I am today because of the struggles I have gone through in my life.

HEADACHE.....

2007-01-22T13:21:00.000-05:00

And, I still have over 24 hours left on this clear liquid thing. Hopefully I make it to the end. I'm already starting to feel a bit tired. Jello, hard candy, and Sprite just doesn't do it for me. They had better find something wrong with me during the colonoscopy after being put through this torture. I just want a big fat greasy cheeseburger right now....
Anyway, gonna try and get my living room cleaned up this afternoon...the pine needles from my Christmas tree are still all over the floor. Maybe scrapbook some...I haven't worked on that in awhile. I also need to pick up my room, put my clean clothes away and load the dishwasher. We'll see what I actually get done...Maybe I can take my mind off from being hungry....